


i say it in everything that i do - every touch and blink and swallow

by ffslynch



Series: Kenma Ship Week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5 Things, Airports, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drunken Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending, Kozume Kenma is Bad at Feelings, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Mess, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25561300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffslynch/pseuds/ffslynch
Summary: 5 times Kenma confesses to Kuroo (and one time he does it for real)Kenma Ship Week 2020 - Day 7 - Confession
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Kenma Ship Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896289
Comments: 26
Kudos: 265
Collections: Kenma Ship Week 2020, My favorite haikyuu fics, Recommended KuroKen Fics





	i say it in everything that i do - every touch and blink and swallow

**Author's Note:**

> Contains mild spoilers from the manga!

_“I sleep. I dream. I make up things that I would never say. I say them very quietly.”_

\- Richard Silken

It is a known fact for anyone who has met Kenma that he struggles with his words. It’s not that he has any speech impediment or lacks vocabulary. It’s just that whenever he tries to convey his thoughts into proper speech, it never ends up sounding exactly like what he wants to say. He feels less like himself out loud. Like he has given too much and the person listening can now see him in a different light, one that shows them all his flaws and cracks and issues. It’s not a huge problem on a daily basis, he talks just fine to his family and friends, as he grows older he begins to be a bit more confident on himself, talking on his streams and to different partners, establishing his business. He can do basic, casual, work-related talk. Feelings, however? That’s a whole other final boss that Kenma feels like he will never be able to defeat. 

He can’t say he knew he always loved Kuroo. But he can’t also deny that he knew the boy was important to him from the early stages of their friendship. Kuroo knew him inside and out, backhand and overhead. He always says the right things, touches him on the right places, calms him down and makes him feel the right way. Kuroo makes him feel right. Good. Like he has seen Kenma under all possible light angles and still decided he was worthy. More than worthy. They had been together for so long, sometimes Kenma thinks that if he ever walked into a mirror and ended up stuck on the other side, on a flipped, upside down, right is left, left is right, world, Kuroo would still be there, right beside him. He is his best friend, brings out the best side of him. Kuroo is bashful and courageous. Even on his most quiet years, he has a burning passion and determination that Kenma never understood where he got from, how he kept up this high pent energy to run after what he wanted. And Kuroo is loud. Not so much on the actual tone of his voice, but his words and actions reverberate all over. Kuroo is an open book to anyone who knows him well. He carries his heart on his sleeve and never hides. He is the most honest person Kenma has ever met and his feelings and thoughts are always loud and clear, scribbled all over his face, posture and actual sentences. Kuroo never shied away from what he felt. And so, it was very clear for anyone who had ever known him, that Kuroo loved Kenma. That was a fact. And, although on a much more silent way, Kenma loved Kuroo back, has always been aware of that. He, of course, would prefer literal death to actually saying out loud.

When he thinks about telling Kuroo about it, he thinks he might explode. The words ‘I love you’ carry a different weight from the others when put together on this specific order. Kenma can never imagine saying it out loud, chokes on the bare idea. He thinks maybe someday he will, hopefully, but until then, he confesses in different ways. 

The first time he accidentally let his feelings known, he didn't even realize he was doing it. They were kids, it's a Sunday, and they are spending the afternoon as usual, on Kenma’s bedroom floor, playing and games and talking about school and random things. Kuroo has been anxiously fidgeting for a while and Kenma is waiting for him to tell him what’s actually on his mind. It will happen sooner than later, he knows.

“So…” Kuroo finally begins, after what feels like an eternity of him opening his mouth and closing it again “My birthday is next week.” 

“Mhm” Kenma says, not taking his eyes away from his game. Kuroo knows he is listening, but it still feels like common courtesy to make some sort of sound to indicate he's listening AND paying attention.

“I asked my grandpa to take me to this game… It’s going to be an event sort of thing, for High School teams, in Yokohama. He said yes and I was wondering…” He hesitates for a second, before letting it out, his shoulders tensed and hunched up to his ears “I was wondering if you want to come with us?”

“Sure” Kenma replies. He doesn’t look up, and so he misses Kuroo’s reaction, but it's a mix of pure shock with glowing happiness.

“But would you do that? Spend the whole day out in the sun watching volleyball with me?” Kenma looks at him confused because of his shock. It’s Kuroo’s birthday and volleyball is his favourite thing. It’s not about Kenma at all, but about him. 

“I just want to spend time with you,” He says, absently minded. His focus is all on the game he is playing “If it makes you happy, I’m happy”

Kuroo gulps and nods repeatedly, unable to keep his excitement under control

“Ok” he says and turns back to watch Kenma playing his game “Oh, you should use the green potion for this” he comments, and just like that the focus is back on the game. It flies over Kenma’s head, but Kuroo goes to bed that night and many others with his words stuck on his brain.

The second time, Kenma is a bit more aware. He knows he is giving something away, but not sure what exactly, and how much of it.

It’s in his last year of middle school. The time for him to choose which High School he is going to attend is approaching quicker and quicker and, although there’s a mutual understatement between all members of the Kozume household that he will follow Kuroo’s steps right into Nekoma, Kenma never did say it out loud to where he was applying. He doesn’t because he feels no need to, cause surely Kuroo knows that. Kenma has been following him around for most of his life now, he doesn’t see how this time would be any different. He doesn’t actually notice how the lack of verbal confirmation is eating Kuroo alive until the boy blurts out one day when they’re playing outside.

“Have you decided to which high school you’re going to apply to yet?”

“I mean, I’m going to apply to a few ones,” Kenma says, confused because it’s not like he can just put all his eggs one basket “but I already know which one I want to get into” he admits. Kuroo hums and nods before hitting the ball back and Kenma does his best set it high enough, so he can wait before jumping. They’re training, for the third time that week, their personal time attack difference. It’s far from perfect, but it’s getting there, every attempt a bit less clumsy and more similar to the games he and Kuroo have watched together. Kuroo hits the ball a bit oddly and it goes way too far. He mumbles something that Kenma cannot quite catch. 

“What?” He asks tiredly, the heat and humidity of the late afternoon affecting his levels of energy and patience.

“I’ll miss playing with you” Kuroo repeats himself, his eyes losing focus as he watches the ball roll around the other side of the makeshift court. 

“What do you mean?” Kenma asks, confused about the sadness in his friend’s voice.

“Well, just, you know... Moving on to high school, you’re going to get busier and busier with your own stuff. You probably won’t have time to train with me any more. Especially if you keep playing volleyball to a different team, which I hope you do because you’re of the biggest weapon a team can get.”

“If this is your way to ask me if I intend to go to Nekoma, I thought you already knew that the answer is yes” Kuroo looks at him, eyes shining. He doesn’t say anything, a silent plea on his eyes. There’s a question he wants to ask but doesn’t know-how. He fears the answer, fears that he might be asking for too much by saying the words out loud. Sometimes Kenma remembers he and Kuroo are creatures more alike than one might think. “That means I’ll be playing with you. If I get on the team, that is”

“You will! I’m sure you will” He says, not an ounce of doubt on his voice. But then he is hesitant again, just for a second. “If that’s what you want…” Kenma doesn’t answer, only inclines his head to the side, brows furrowed with confusion.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to.” Kuroo continues “Kenma, I think you’re a genius. You’re exactly what our team needs to grow to its full potential. But I don’t want you to do something that makes sad or uncomfortable” Kenma can feel his face going several shades darker at Kuroo’s words, and he looks down, before grumpily telling him that of course, he is going to Nekoma, and of course, he is going to do the try-outs for the stupid volleyball team. 

“You're my best friend, I’d do anything for you” Kuroo actually squeaks, little a teenage girl, and hugs him tightly and Kenma splutters for a bit out of surprise and embarrassment.

“Stupid Kuro” He mumbles, his face heating up as he tucks his head under Kuroo’s neck and hugs him back. It lasts only a beat or two, the time for a breath taken simultaneously by two people that have been each other’s shadows for almost ten years now. 

“Go fetch the ball,” Kenma says, breaking out of the hug first “I’m tired, I want to go home” Kuroo laughs and breaks away

“One more? And then we’ll go, I promise!” He asks, the sheer happiness bright and clear on his face. Kenma only sighs and nods, agreeing to it. He could never say ‘no’ to Kuroo, especially when he smiled like that.

The third time the actual words do come out of his mouth, but they are so laced with sarcasm it barely even counts.

It’s the middle season of Kenma’s first year on Nekoma. They are leaving the school after extra training, the sun is setting and the second years are practising their favourite hobby: roasting Kuroo. 

“Kuroo is going to die alone, that’s just a fact,” Yaku says and Kai nods, a chuckle leaving his lips.

“AAH! The betrayal” Kuroo yells pointing at Kai. His friend only laughs and raises his hand in a silent apology

“I didn’t actually say anything, I am a spectator to Yaku’s emotionally charged rants” Kai defends himself

“This is enabling emotional abuse,” Kuroo says

“It is enabling my right to tell the truth, you rooster headed pain in the ass.”

“I see you haven’t been eating enough fish Yaku. The lack of docosahexaenoic acid on your system is impairing your brain so much that you seem to be delusional” Kuroo fires back. 

“No one even understands what you’re saying, you bastard! This is why no one likes you!” Yaku says, exasperated.

“Oi! Kenma loves me! Right, Kenma?” Kenma slowly looks up from his game, refusing to demonstrate any amusement regarding Kuroo and Yakus tirades against each other.

“Yes, you're the love of my life, please marry me,” He says, his voice completely monotonic and devoid of feelings. 

Kuroo puts his hand over his chest, acting mighty and offended as Yaku laughs and Kai pitifully pats him on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry Kuroo, you’ll find someone”

“Don’t give him false hope Kai, that’s just mean” Yaku replies.

The teammates berate each other some more until it comes time to part ways at the train station.

“Try not to break a hip on your way home,” Yaku says

“Try not to get smashed by people with a normal height” Kuroo replies, to which Yaku flips him off. Kai and Kenma merely exchange glances, amused smirks tugged away, before Kai and Yaku follow along the street, while Kenma and Kuroo board their own train on the way to Nerima. They sit quietly on the seats, side by side as always, and it only a few stations later that Kuroo breaks the silence.

“Kenma?”

“Hmm”

“Do you really think no one will ever love me? Like, am I actually that hard to love?”

“No, I don’t” Kenma replies, eyes on the game “You’re the easiest person to love I ever met”

Kuroo gets deadly silence and Kenma doesn’t actually look up, too entertained by what he is doing, but if he did he would see his best friend blushing furiously.

The fourth time it’s more of an attempt than anything else. He is filled with honesty and truth and lack of courage. It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff. You can see the bottom, the deep water. You know there is no way that you will hit the rock floor of the ocean, but that somehow makes it worst. There is only the pitch dark of unknown waters waiting for you, and the prospect of jumping into the unknown is scarier than the reliable pain from a predictable impact.

They are laying down on Kenma’s bed, face to face to each other, his fingers a centimetre from Kuroo’s cheek. It could have been a pillow talk scene from a low budget indie movie, except his friend is sound asleep, completely shut down from the world, exhausted from finals week. The warmth of Kuroo’s skin is daunting, mocking him. It makes his fingers tingle, and he wants it so much, to feel the smooth skin under his fingers, to get closer, to touch him… 

But Kenma can’t touch. He doesn’t dare to. 

“Kuroo” He whispers, just to himself. Kuroo stirs a bit but remains asleep. Eyes closed, facial expression relaxed for once, lips slightly parted.

Kenma tries, he really does. He opens his mouth and he actually moves. Lets his lips form the terrifying words, all the curves that the syllables make. But no sounds ever comes out of his mouth. He stares at Kuroo some more before turning his back and closing his eyes, forcing himself to sleep.

The fifth time is so similar to before. Kuroo is awake, but so far from sober it barely counts. It’s the last day of summer break of Kuroo’s third year and all Nekoma has gone to the beach to commemorate and bond, before going back to school and the reality of fighting for their spot on nationals.

They are in the bathroom, Kuroo’s face under the sink because he claims it’s too hot. After letting the water drain on his hair for what it feels like hours he turns around, looks Kenma straight in the eyes and opens a lopsided smile. They stare at each other for a good minute, Kuroo looking goofy and Kenma becoming more and more tired by the second.

“I think I might love you,” Kuroo says, eyes hazy and stuck to the ceiling. He laughs like it's a bitter joke like it's not funny at all. “Actually, that is a complete lie,” He says trying to get up but failing. His back hits against the wall, and he lets himself sink down to the floor again.

“I know I love you. For years now. I keep lying to myself, saying that I don’t because, really, I know it would never happen” he blurts out. Kuroo’s eyes grow wide as if he just realized what he said and Kenma is sure he is going to backtrack but instead, he just shakes his hands in front of him “Like please do not get me wrong, I know you care!! You’re a great friend Kenma. The best. Really, I am so lu-lucky to have you” He hiccups, mid-speech, which somehow leads him to completely lay down on the floor “I’m just broken like that. Wanting too much, having dreams I can not have…” His words are getting softer and mushed, almost an incomprehensible mumble “Loving people that won’t love me back...you deserve so much more…so…much…”. Kuroo’s voice grows quieter and quieter, words go from jumbled together to largely spaced out. His breath evens, and he falls asleep, right there on the bathroom floor, in front of Kenma’s eyes. 

Kuroo rarely ever drinks, at least not that much. But when he does, he goes blackout drunk. The type of drunk that has zero memories of any important event regarding his acts and dignity from the hours prior to his complete shutdown. 

It’s with that in mind that Kenma kneels in front of him and caresses his face, takes the wet hair away from his eyes and allows himself to stay there, holding him, actually touching him this time. 

“Stupid Kuroo” he mutters. It’s unbelievably quiet, but it sounds louder on the empty bathroom. “Who could ever not love you? What did I do to deserve you?” 

Kenma eventually gathers the help of Lev, under the threat he never ever tells anyone about it or Kenma will murder him, to carry Kuroo out of the bathroom and into one of the beds of the rented house. The next day, just as predicted, the team captain wakes up completely oblivious to what happened. Kenma, filled with fear that it was just alcohol mixed with the unbalanced emotions of ending his final year of high school speaking, never says anything. 

Months pass. They win some games, lose others. They don’t win the nationals. Kuroo cries until he is so dehydrated he basically passes out, hidden on his room. Kenma waits, sitting outside his door until the captain is ready to let him in.

Kenma becomes the new captain. Kuroo graduates. Life goes on. The summer passes, too quickly for Kenma’s liking, and sooner than he expected he is at the airport. Kuroo is in front of him, bags packed, ready to go. He got into the college he wanted. It has a great program, amazing references, and opens for thousands of opportunities. It’s all the way across the sea. Kenma tells himself he won’t cry. He won’t. It’s only for two years. He will be back before Kenma knows it (That is a gross lie that they both keep repeating to each other). And then Kenma will be out of school and in university, and they can share an apartment and Kenma will make coffee in the mornings as he has no concept of a healthy sleeping schedule and Kuroo will berate him to eat his vegetables, and everything will be like it has always been. 

But they both know that might not become the truth, and the time to say goodbye is close. Closer. 

Now.

“Hey, what’s up with that face?” Kuroo tells him, fingers poking his forehead “Are you worried about getting lost on your way home, now that you won’t have your wonderful city guide to get your eyes away from the phone and see which train station you’re on?”

There is a lot of unsaid things, written in between the lines of Kuroo’s joke. He is trying to distract himself, them both, from the terrifying unknown that is to come, but it doesn’t work. For once, Kenma wishes he could express himself with ease, that his words belonged to him and his thoughts were properly translated out loud, into the language of those that knew how to speak about things that you feel. 

When Kenma says “Don’t be annoying” he means “I’ll miss you.”

When Kuroo answers “You’re so mean, maybe by staying away I’ll finally get a chance to have some self-esteem” he means “I’ll miss you more”. 

When Kenma replies “Your ego is already mightier than Mount Fuji” he means “Impossible”. 

Kuroo looks at him, really looks at him, like Kenma is a glass window, like he is made of the crystal clear water from the river behind his grandparent’s house that he and Kuroo used to play along the stream as children. He looks at Kenma, and he sees him, for who he is and what he was and what he can be. All versions of him, all at once. He holds Kenma’s hands and brings them to his lips. They are soft and a bit cold. 

When he says “Kenma” that’s exactly what he means.

It’s a silent plea. A confession that is not said out loud. It’s Kuroo sacrificing his need to scream at the top of his lungs to better accommodate Kenma’s fears of words. To let him take it in gently, without the pressure to react. A way to let him reject Kuroo gently, without consequences. To pretend he isn’t paying attention, is not listening. But Kenma is an observant creature, and his settings are turned on the highest when it comes to Kuroo. 

“I know” Kenma answers his silence.

“Do you, tho?” He says, voice filled yearning, eyes filled with hope. Kenma takes his hands away from Kuroo’s hold, and he sees something break inside him, just for a second, before Kenma reaches and touches his face.

“I know” He repeats. Kuroo stays silent. Still. This isn’t the moment for loud words. The world has stopped spinning, and he can’t breathe properly, but all that matters now is this. The air in between them, filled with unsaid words that sound louder than anything else he might say. Kenma stands on his tiptoes, kisses Kuroo cheek, ignores the wave of embarrassment that covers his whole body. “I love you, Kuro” he whispers. Silent, discreet, barely audible. It rings on Kuroo’s ears, years of fear and wanting being engulfed by those simple worlds. His breath catches up with him, and he turns his face, lips meeting into a much delayed first kiss. The world goes back to turning. 

Maybe there is a universe in which he doesn’t play volleyball or that Kuroo never confesses. Maybe even a universe in which Kenma is the bold one, with loud words while Kuroo hides behind his hair and screens. But they are a universal truth is unwilling to part ways. There is no story in which they don’t meet, don’t see each other, don’t end up on the other side of each other. There are a million possibilities and variables in this enclosed infinity of different cards held and played by something bigger than them. But there is no universe in which he doesn’t love Kuroo. Always quiet, always constant, always intensely. Always. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> This work was heavily influenced by both Richard Silken and Maggie Stiefvater.  
> Feedback is always welcome and if you'd like to see me shitpost about Kuroo supremacy & yearning you can find me on twitter @ffskuroo  
> Also, the wonderful Auri was kind enough to draw the cutest fanart for the final scene, and you can check out her work here: https://twitter.com/regularbrot/status/1291434662066360328?s=19


End file.
